This joy has been building up for ten years!

Have you ever wanted to not want something?  I have.

It was ten years ago and I was in the middle of a mental breakdown.  I'd been doing two quite demanding jobs simultaneously. I was vicar of five parishes and I'd been carer for my Mother as she recovered from the amputation of a leg when she was 88 and then slipped into dementia.  In both those roles I had to be a rock for other people and my mind and body eventually rebelled and said it was their turn for a little TLC.    I just couldn't work any longer.  I wanted to retire but I hated retiring at 58.  I felt like a failure.  Looking back I had no reason to be ashamed but it didn't feel that way at the time.  

And so I resigned from a job which I had loved but I was unable to do properly any more.  Retiring as a vicar means one loses not only one's job (and income) but also one's home, social circle and (in my case) a lot of my identity.  I was not in a good place emotionally and within weeks of my retirement my only sister got a terminal diagnosis and once again I was a carer.

It was not a good time.  When I should have been caring for myself I was instead helping my sister, which was demanding as she was disabled and a wheelchair user even before she had the cancer.  When I should have been trying to build up a life for myself here in Caistor I was away at her home helping her to sort out her life before she left this world behind.

But over the years my life has changed.  I'm no longer "the vicar" but I can get far more work on a part time basis than I could ever do! I can still exercise ministry and indeed do so on a very regular basis.  I've got a very comfortable home and a thriving social life.  And most of all I now wake every morning with a smile on my face and an expectation of a joyful day.

Yesterday was the tenth anniversary of my retirement.  I took out for lunch two friends who helped me and listened to me all those years ago and are still my great friends now.  I have never been so happy.