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Wednesday 20 March 2024

From Jack


Hi Everyone! 

Today I’ve been to the vicar’s.  This time there wasn’t a list waiting for me, just a forewoman giving me orders. 

We planned for me to go to shampoo the carpets.  The vicar had done a lot of moving stuff into her bedroom.  On arrival a bacon buttie was waiting for me.  After that moving the heavier items began.  Everything I could move went into the kitchen, bathroom and hallway.  First, I went on hands and knees and brushed the edges of the carpet before I used the vacuum cleaner to collect all the bits.  Then I got the shampooer.  I kept moving the three-seater settee and two heavy chairs to where I had cleaned already.

After I finished, I noticed that Mary didn’t look too good, so although she is always kind enough to cook me some dinner, I told her to give that a miss and go and get some rest. 

Some of you may remember the ducks (faggots) she made for me.  A few days ago, she took great delight in telling me they had disappeared from the freezer.  I told her that if she’d given them to anyone outside Britian there would be an international incident.  But wait a minute: who do you think ate my promised ducks?  MARY!!!  How selfish can a person get?  She made some more then texted me to tell me she had eaten them herself! 

Here I am working my socks off, and what do I get in return?  A hole in the top of my head because the vicar left cupboard doors open for me to run into!  Now I’ve got eight holes in my head!

She’s also giving me grief about my pronunciation of words, mainly because I said I was ravishing when I meant I was ravenous. 

Tonight I cooked spaghetti bolognaise with garlic bread and I told her I was becoming a gourmet chef.  I know what she was thinking and it’s a wonder she didn’t text me.  She would have said a gormless chef.  But I forgive her just this once.

I took my best friend and daughter-in-law out for a pub meal and they agreed I out some very funny stuff into my mouth.  When I told my vicar friend she laughed and said that a lot of funny stuff comes out too.  You can go off people!  There was no need for that.  Just because my linguistic skills need honing a little.  I’m just a country boy who went to an ordinary school whereas the vicar went to a posh townie school.  (All of this is just banter: the vicar knows me rather well.)  And I know the Man upstairs loves everyone equally. 

I don’t know if I’ve said too many nice things to the vicar but it’s got to stop. If we’re texting, she always has to have the last word.  In fact, whatever I do she has to have the last word.  That 25-30 minute phone call each morning puts us both in a happy frame of mind.  I’m sure we both start the day with a smile on our faces.

 I hope this post has cheered you all up if the vicar has posted it – after all she’s the typist and editor!

 I’m back at her house in the morning putting the furniture back in its place when the carpet has dried.  Mary will be able to relax in her chair with her pooter and, with a bit of luck, she’ll print everything I’ve written.

I hope you are all in the best of health and the elderly people you know get visited – it means so much to them.  Take good care of yourselves and everyone around you.

Best wishes


The vicar here, once again having the last word.  Jack gave me this post several weeks ago.  Since then he's cleaned another carpet, had another birthday and taken home another batch of ducks as well as several portions of his favourite leek and potato soup..  He will be able to read any comments you leave but not respond to them